This year for Christmas, I’m getting myself a new insurance company.

I like to live by the saying, “You catch more flies with honey…” Well, I also have another motto: When a company screws you, don’t get mad, get publicly irate and spam them on every public forum possible. Yesterday, I had a small problem consisting of a tree branch through my windshield and the minor 8 hour misplacement of my car by my insurance carrier. After hours of frustrating and ineffective phone calls, I decided to take my displeasure to the ‘book. Below are the highlights:

Everyone say hi to Justin!

Note the arch in the background. It's a subtle homage to my hometown, no?

As some of you may have heard or noticed, Facebook has gone rogue. Therefore, I decided it was about time that I went rogue as well. Let’s. Do. This.

Boutique by Jaeger Dress in Organdy Stripe

True Decadence Open Back Dress

So, ladies and…ladies, I give you ASOS. ASOS is an online fashion and beauty retailer with approximately 1,500 new product lines being introduced each week. Yes, it may be based in England, but guess what? Shipping is free, both ways! Winner winner chicken dinner!

ASOS offers a broad range of prices, with dresses starting at $17 and capping out at around $520. The best part? When people ask where you got it, you get to say, “Europe.” Checkmate.

Yep, crazier than this.

Around 30-50% of all words spoken here daily are directed at the dog. My “roommates” also know the name and geographic location of every other four-legged creature within a 5 mile radius of our doorstep, and which ones Sparky has made his bitches. They may not be able to tell you when their middle child is be returning from a summer on the west coast (Hi Lauren!), but they would be more than happy to regale you with an account of the neighborhood chipmunk’s ongoing struggle with rapid weight gain. The end.

Hello, my name is Sparky, but you may call me Sparkles McCupcakerson Von Rhinestone. And yes, I am a boy.

P.S.- While we aren’t on the topic of Steve Irwin even a little bit, here’s an awesome Steve Irwin video a coworker introduced me to last week…

Hence, the title of what I’m sure will be an enthralling series of posts, all to be filed under the tagline, “My Mother is a Crazy Person.”  I would like to preface this by stating that I adore my mom; she is a far better person than I will ever be.  If there is an airline hierarchy to get to heaven, she will be flying JetBlue.  That said, let’s get this party started shall we?

This is your mission, if you choose to accept it...

How many lawn ornaments do you see in the above picture?  If you said any number less than 6, sorry, you lose.  Here’s the best part: I took that picture using the extended view option on my phone, yet I was still only able to capture around 1/3 of the knickknacks currently residing in our back yard.  And no, I’m not exaggerating.  That’s just how she rolls.

This has been an ongoing dance between my mother and I for years now.  She’ll bring home something new, force me to come see how FANTASTIC it looks, then get upset when I am forced to tell her, once again, that I do not support this sh*t. It is the outdoor garden person version of hoarding. Walking through my back yard is like an acid trip laced with some NyQuil wrapped up in a Tim Burton movie.  But like seriously, aren’t the flowers pretty?

Click to view slideshow.

P.S.- I lied, I actually used my mom’s phone to take the pictures as starving children in China who have no phones wouldn’t even want my phone.  I know, I know, it was cruel.  It’s like trampling someone with their own horse.  Unless that horse is a mini horse.  That would be adorable and probably a lot of fun.

The crowd of ecstatic fans chanted as they carried the goalpost through the streets, ending at Harpo's sports bar where it was dismantled, per tradition.

It was homecoming time here at the University of Missouri-Columbia last weekend, and in case you didn’t hear, we won- and I’m not just talking about the football game .  Aside from unseating #1 ranked team Oklahoma on Saturday evening, Mizzou Tigers fans came out in droves to shatter the previously held ESPN GameDay record of 15,000, with an estimated 18,000 people attending the program’s first visit to the university.  Check out the video below of students storming the field after the final whistle blew…

Fun Fact: Homecoming was actually invented at Mizzou in 1911.  MU’s homecoming celebration has been named the best Homecoming in the nation and a model homecoming program by the Council for Advancement and Support of Education. The mostly Greek-run homecoming blood drive has held the Guinness Book of World Records title of nation’s largest since 1999.

Cancer-causing carcinogen say WHAT!?

According to an official report recently released by Oregon’s Occupational Safety & Health Administration, those of you indulging in the insanely popular (and equally expensive) Brazilian Blowout hair straightening treatment may be getting a little more than you bargained for.  And by that I mean you could end up walking out of the salon with smooth, silky hair…and a side of leukemia.

Now by "avoid skin contact," do you mean don't put it on my head?

The Oregon OSHA claims the treatment contains anywhere between 8% and 10% formaldehyde.  For those of you who don’t know, formaldehyde is a chemical commonly used in laboratories as an embalming agent.  That jar of fluid Mr. Frog was floating around in during Biology?  That was formaldehyde.  So basically- not good news.

Brazilian Blowout Inc. has since released a statement rebutting the administrations findings.  They argue that because the sample was taken from a randomly selected salon and not submitted directly by the company itself, it violates proper testing protocol.  The question is: Is the product test more or less reliable because of how the sample was acquired?

Until further studies are conducted, I recommend erring on the side of caution.  Some keratin straightening treatments also contain cousin chemicals of formaldehyde (in concentrations of .02 and above), so be selective in your brand choice.  Global Keratin is one company that offers a formaldehyde-free option.  Check with your salon and request to see the ingredient list on the back of the product.  If you see the suffix “-hyde” anywhere on that list, be aware of the possibly health-hazardous implications.  Because having pretty hair is fun; having cancer is less so…

This is SUCH a great idea! It's like I'm cute, yet sporty...

So it’s Sunday morning after game day Saturday, and you roll out of bed looking slightly rougher than usual.  You are ready to go do work on some dollar burgers and Bloody Marys at the local morning-after establishment…but, wait a second…

Smells like team spirit

You have a tattoo.  On your face.  Ya, that’s a problem.  You don’t need that kind of attention being drawn to you right now.  So how do you get it off?

DO NOT SCRUB.  Even the biggest pair of Nicole Richie sunglasses won’t be able to cover up a giant rugburn on your cheek.  Do not use soap, a wash cloth, a sponge, your nails, or anything else that could royally muck up your money maker.  Do not use toner.  Do use…

1.) Scotch Tape: This is what the back of most temporary tattoo packages advise.  Chances are, you threw it away long before reading any type of “instructions.”

2.) Eye Make-Up Remover: An oily remover works best, but oil-free brands like Neutrogena and Clinque work well too.  Simply apply a generous amount to a cotton pad and hold it in place for a minute or two.  Then gently use the pad to wipe away residual tattoo gunk (for lack of a better word).