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Allegedly…

March 14, 2010


Best word in the English language, hands-down. The second best is not so much a word as a phrase. Since “no offense” is no longer acceptable for use being that people generally realize that when spoken, you are about to offend them. I know, bummer. Fortunately, the same people who brought us slavery and no-liquor on Sundays have come up with a solution.

The kind folks of the dirty dirty (as I affectionately call the South; the South being any city, state, or megachurch below the Mason-Dixon Line) answered our prayers by coining the term, “bless her heart.”

Bless her heart (v.,pn.,n.): To be used at the beginning or conclusion of a sentence in which one wants to verbalize something horribly offensive and retain absolutely no guilt or responsibility whatsoever. As in, “She looks like she’s been kicked in the face by a Clydesdale, bless her heart,” or, “Bless her heart, she’s more ridiculous than velcro shoes.”

By throwing in the “bless her heart,” southern women believe they have obtained absolution from their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ-or at least Joel Osteen-for whatever nastiness they spew. It’s awesome.

Ok, so even better than “bless her heart” is the word “allegedly.” Whoever invented it should be knighted, thrown a parade, and sent one of those fruit gift baskets daily. Basically, with this magical little gift from Webster’s, you can make any accusation that your pretty little head can think up about another person and NEVER GET IN TROUBLE! For those of you with a bad case of word vomit, this is your saving grace. “Allegedly” is the get-out-of-jail-free card in the Monopoly game of life. Literally, you could tell everyone in school that your math teacher snorts cocaine off of his gay lovers ass every day during free period, and as long as you add “…allegedly” to the end of your statement, you are in the clear. Go crazy readers!

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Nikki Grubbs Arnold permalink
    March 21, 2010 1:55 pm

    You’re not kidding about the “bless her heart”–it’s freakin’ hilarious! However, there is one caveat. Unlike the other best word, “allegedly”, which can be used freely by all, “bless her heart” is really hard to pull off if you’re not a born and bred Southern lady. Somehow, one still ends up sounding like a ridiculous bitch using “bless her heart” as a get-out-of-jail-free card if they are not a true Southerner–and simply living in the South and adopting a Southern accent just doesn’t count–trust me!

  2. PiterJankovich permalink
    March 30, 2010 4:52 am

    My name is Piter Jankovich. oOnly want to tell, that your blog is really cool
    And want to ask you: is this blog your hobby?
    P.S. Sorry for my bad english

    • March 31, 2010 8:19 am

      Thank you! Don’t worry, English is my first language and I still butcher it on occasion haha! I started it for a college class, and because it has done so well I’ve decided to keep it going and see where it takes me. I appreciate your interest, tell your friends (and co-workers, parents, siblings, random strangers)!

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