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Five Things Not To Buy Online…Or Period

May 11, 2010

Ever since Brooke pinched our UPS man, he's stopped smiling...


Fact: Online shopping was invented by the devil. Really, all the best things in life were (ex. pocket dogs, TiVo, red lipstick). There is nothing quite like the melodious knock-knock-knocking of the UPS man on your door. Packages are like presents, except better, because you know you’ll actually like what’s inside…

The Internet is Narnia, and your computer is the wardrobe; anything you want can be yours! However, there are certain things that you probably shouldn’t be buying off the worldwide web (or even wanting in the first place). Let us all take a moment to pay tribute to that most elusive of skills: discretion

1. A girl’s virginity. I’m not even going to go into the Dead Sea Scroll-sized list of things that are wrong with this. Paying for sex is pathetic. Paying for sex on the Internet is pathetic squared. Oh, and taking someone’s V-card is non-refundable. There’s no returns accepted at the Stage 5 Clinger Store my friend.

Where are all the virgins? All I see are CD's...


2. Trees. Did this one once. My mom wanted a weeping cherry tree for the front yard, and after extensive research, I came to the conclusion that trees are expensive. I thought this was absurd. So what did I do? I ordered a little baby tree online! Fifty dollars and two weeks later (approximately three days after Mother’s Day), what showed up on my doorstep? A twig…wrapped in a burlap sack…filled with dirt.

No really, you shouldn't have...


3. A car. But they have such accurate pictures! Ya, no. It takes someone with a fourth grade computer proficiency to copy and paste pictures of someone else’s car and put it up for “sale” as their own. Not to mention you can’t tell how your potential ride smells from a photo…imagine the possibilities.

I'll even throw in a Christmas tree air freshener to combat the vomit smell...


4. A pet. Unless it is from an extremely reputable website, I would not recommend buying anything with a pulse online. Apparently selling the same dog/cat to about 100 different suckas is big with the scammer crowd these days. Try looking for Fluffy at your local Humane Society instead. The price of shots and spay/neutering is included in the purchase price (usually between $50-$150), and you can be sure that your furry friend, you know, exists.

Hear that? That's the sound of your non-existant puppy running away with your money...


5. Illegal stuff. I am in no way promoting the purchase of illegal contraband (not my personal cup of tea, but to each his own), however if you are going to do it, please don’t do it online. I hear that ingesting/inhaling certain substances makes you paranoid, so let it work in your favor on this one. Paying in cash is not an option online, and leaving a paper trail of your indiscretions is unwise. To be blunt (pun intended): There is a reason your dealer doesn’t take Visa.

Note: Yes, B-Nasty did try to pinch our UPS man on St. Patrick’s Day. She said it was because he wasn’t wearing green. Only later did she realize that the UPS uniform doesn’t come in Erin Go Bragh Green.

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