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“Listen more closely to the subtle rhythms of life.”- STS9

July 28, 2010
 

Matt Bazoian: 1991-2010

As some of you may have noticed, I have not been very vigilant with my postings as of late.  I feel I owe you an explanation, as much for your benefit as my own catharsis.  Early in June, I experienced the loss of someone I cared about very deeply.  His name was Matt.  He was effortlessly (and often accidentally) hilarious, and brilliant without even a hint of pretension.  I must admit, I still struggle immensely with the use of the past tense “was” when discussing Matt.  Everything in me screams out in protest of it.

When my mother called to tell me I needed to come home, that Matt had been in an accident, I assumed she meant he had a few bumps and bruises, maybe some broken bones, and that he received these injuries doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing (probably somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be).  I also assumed I was in some way culpable, and thus immediately began to think of what bad advice I may have imparted upon him of late- and how to apologize to his parents for my serious lack of judgment.  Only one month prior I may or may not have accidentally tattled to his mom about a not-so-pre-approved impromptu trip to Boulder (he took it in stride…once they turned his phone back on).  Upon arrival at the hospital, my baby sister met me at the door.  It took only one look into her eyes to realize I had taken for granted the seriousness of his condition.  Matt was long boarding with friends when he fell and hit his head, resulting in a traumatic, and irreversible brain stem injury.  He was 19.

I do not claim that any of this makes me an expert on grief, nor do I begin to speak for so many others who have lost someone irreplaceable.  I just know how I have changed, and what I have learned…

1) I don’t think loss necessarily gets easier or less painful with time.  I think it is just a different type of pain.  That said, I do not know that I would want it to stop hurting.  I choose to view the ache as a manifestation of the reality that he existed, and that he was important to me.

2) Saying “I love you” is neither reckless nor foolish.  Tell those you love how much they mean to you, not because they may not be there tomorrow, but because if they aren’t, you left them with the one thing you’ll never regret.  Momentary pride is trivial in the scheme of things.

3) Allow yourself to be happy again, while still making time for sadness as it comes.  I am lucky in that Matt imparted upon me memories one cannot help but laugh while recalling.  I am better for that laughter, and I am comforted in those moments.  Plus, I know I’m gunna smack the shit out of him when I get to heaven.

4) Hug your friends.  Hug them like uncomfortably, creepily long.

5) Please, wear your helmet, buckle your seatbelt, and remember you are precious to someone.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Scott Bazoian permalink
    February 11, 2011 9:13 am

    Dani

    I am writing you this note with the tears still swelling up in my eyes which is an indication of how touched i was to read it. I know it was written from deep in your heart.

  2. Cynthia Charleville permalink
    April 6, 2011 10:52 am

    This is beautiful…very touching. What an unbelievable loss. I know we all miss him every day!

  3. April 6, 2011 11:12 am

    I loved you showing your feelings with such an open heart…GOD BLESS YOU

  4. Zabelle Vartanian permalink
    April 6, 2011 1:40 pm

    Dani, you brought tears to my eyes as I read your wonderful commentary about our precious Matt —I am a relative of Matt’s. As I told his mother, I think, though, that you shall have to stand in line to do the “slap thing” as I feel many will be there to do the same thing. Thank you again for the beautiful words; you are an excellent writer.

  5. Beatrice Bazoian permalink
    April 6, 2011 6:08 pm

    Beautiful, such warmth and love. I will be pulling this up and reading often. A lovely tribute to Matt. Hugs to you.

  6. Patricia Noles permalink
    April 14, 2011 3:32 pm

    Dani,
    How beautiful and insightful your writing is…..for someone so young, you have really given us all something to think about. All the best to you.

  7. October 9, 2011 11:45 pm

  8. tracy permalink
    October 20, 2011 10:59 pm

    dani… every time i read this i am reminded of what a wonderful young woman you are….. and how blessed Matt was to have been your friend.

    xxxxxxxxxxx
    tracy

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