An Open Letter To My Gender
Why do you have to ruin everything on the internet? Here’s a little-known fact for you: Every time you put song lyrics in your Facebook status, a kitten dies. Below are a few more observations I’ve made on the bad habits of female social site socialites that annoy me most…
1. I think you misunderstand the intended meaning and use of the “I give zero f*cks” meme. It is not meant to be another way for you to outwardly manifest your inner passive aggressivity on the wordwide interwebs. Actually, if you type “I give zero f*cks” into Google Tanslate and select “translate to sane,” it will return something along the lines of, “Look at me, I’m super sad, but I’m actually so freakin’ strong and empowered I’m going to post about how un-sad I am. Take that, you! OMG Taylor Swift I love this song…” Social media does not exist to be your personal diary. That’s what blogs are for.
2. Do not post on your friends wall, have them post on your wall, or host your own Twitter conferences on how people suck and you and your girlfriends have a relationship stronger than a covalent bond. People are awesome, they do things like create Nyan Cat videos and give you candy and offer you rides in their unmarked white vans. Candy is the single greatest thing to happen to man. I’m pretty sure that on the 6th day, God actually said, “Let there be candy.” Once again though, I digress….
3. I don’t feel like I should even have to say this, but stop taking pictures of yourself and posting them. You want to know what impression you give when all your profile images feature your right arm or a mirror? You’re telling the world, “I couldn’t find a single living soul to take my picture, because I’m awful.” You know what else is awful? A world without candy.
So please, please please please please please do us all a favor and keep the Soap Opera where it belongs, on daytime television and in prison. Love you mean it.