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Breaking news: Dieting makes you fat

July 29, 2010

Yep.  I said it: dieting makes you fat.  You’re probably thinking, “You’re full of shiest, I always lose weight when I’m dieting!”  You know what, me too!  I never gain weight when I’m dieting!  The operative word being when

I’ve been dieting since oh, about the age of 6.  Once during my childhood, I overheard my mother asking the server at Steak ‘n Shake how many calories were in the delicious Oreo shake I was in the process of inhaling.  Obviously, I had no clue as to the actual significance of his numerical response, but the look on my little mamicita’s face said it all.  The minute we returned home, I took it upon myself to ride my bicycle up and down the grass hill until I deemed myself unfat…all while still wearing my complimentary hat.  I think that gives you a rough idea of just how early my crazy began.

So why you ask, have I turned against dieting at the ripe age of 22?  Because diet’s make you fat, I say.  Allow me to elaborate…

Here’s how the cycle goes:

Step 1) Weigh oneself.  Panic.  Cry.  Buy lots of stretchy-waisted pants.  Feel guilt normally set aside for murderers and child molesters.

Step 2) Make resolution. The more ridiculous the better.  No carbs, sugars, solid foods, etc.  Run 17 miles per day until skinny again.

Step 3) Diet. See above resolutions. Weigh-in every morning.  Only eat between 2 and 5 PM.

This is SO MUCH FUN!

Step 4) Lose weight. You’re skinny again!  Life is good!  Throw away all mumus and stretchy-waisted pants.  Buy lots of crop tops.

When this woman lost weight, she gained the ability to fly!

Step 5) Reward oneself with a cookie.  Spiral out of control.  Eat entire jar. No turning back now.  Order a large pizza, pick up some ice cream, and call it a day.

Step 6) Get fat. You suddenly can’t stop eating.  You are always hungry.  You miss your stretchy pants.

Apparently, man cannot live on Subway alone

Step 7) Repeat Cycle

To put it in the words of my ever-so-insightful friend-let Samantha, “Dieting makes you fat, because when you break the rules, you eat like it will be your last meal!”  Dieting is not a lifestyle, it is a repetitive, monotonous, soul-sucking cycle.  One cannot subside on 500 calories a day forever .  So eat, exercise, and drink beer!  You will be surprised with what you learn.  What I learned is: I wasted a whole freaking lot of time eating frozen peas…

Note:  My mother was inquiring about the shake because she was eating one too, not because she was worried about her kindergartener getting husky.  So don’t get your underoos in a bunch; we are not a Toddlers & Tiaras-type family.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 16, 2011 11:55 am

    I’m literally sitting at work shaking in an attempt to not laugh out loud. I can’t believe I’ve never checked your site out. Awesome!

    And for the record – I completely agree. I only over eat or succumb to sweets when I tell myself its off limits.

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